It’s not unusual, particularly once you’re new to creating more healthy boundaries by means of being extra trustworthy about who you might be, together with expressing limits, saying no, or articulating what you want, need and anticipate, to really feel shaken by your assertiveness. You would possibly expertise bodily sensations or really feel responsible as you replay occasions over in your thoughts. Though you’ve technically been profitable in your asserting your self, the way you really feel afterwards is at odds with that. What’s happening right here, and the way can we cease feeling so shaken by being assertive?
After we really feel shaken after exhibiting up, talking up and stepping up for ourselves, our physique, based mostly on earlier associations with assertiveness and, as an example, battle, would possibly really feel like we’re within the hazard zone. Hazard, by the best way, for people, can merely imply unknown, uncommon, new. Our unconscious does a brilliant fast scan of our psychological recordsdata on the scenario and flags it as ‘unhealthy’ due to earlier adverse experiences. Or, it flags the scenario as ‘international’ and ‘unhealthy’ as a result of assertiveness is so uncommon. Our physique does what it’s designed to do and sends a concern response. We would even be offended (a way of injustice accompanied by concern), and expertise a surge of adrenalin.
Our nervous system remembers every thing.
After we’ve spent a lot of our lives masking up damage, anger and, sure, injustice with the likes of individuals pleasing, hidden emotions of being violated, mistreated, and so on., come to the fore. A youthful model of ourselves panics that we’re ‘again there’ (previously) and makes use of our feelings and physique responses to speak its fears. Let’s say the fifteen-year-old model of us wouldn’t have spoken up. Our internal youngster nonetheless exists and feels overwhelmed and anticipating doom. However we’re not in the identical scenario as earlier than, which is the enjoyment of getting more healthy boundaries — they break with the previous.
After we really feel shaken and burdened after asserting ourselves, it’s not due to our being ‘fallacious’. We haven’t carried out a nasty factor. As a substitute, in recognising that we’re participating in new habits that really feel threatening to our sense of security, we have to reassure and calm ourselves. For instance, respiratory workouts, journaling, getting a change of surroundings, speaking by means of what occurred with a trusted beloved one or therapist, and affirmations (e.g. I’m secure. I’m safe.)
Moderately than feeding the sentiments and fear and nervousness ideas, we have to differentiate between the previous and current. The place are we? What’s occurring? Is there something unhealthy occurring? We have to acknowledge that we’re not in peril, that we’re okay. Typically, this additionally means reminding ourselves of why we asserted ourselves in that scenario. We have to discover what’s really occurred versus what’s happening in our heads. The extra assertiveness turns into a behavior, the much less shaken you’ll really feel by it. Your assist will assist to replace your ‘recordsdata’ with proof which you could be okay after asserting your self.
For extra assist with boundaries and saying sure and no extra authentically, try my newest guide, The Pleasure of Saying No.
